Peer Relationships: Middle School
Three Common Traits and Four Ways to Learn More About Your Child
Peer relationships in middle school frustrate parents and adolescents. Explore three common characteristics and four ways to learn more about your child.
Middle school peer relationships affect your child's ability to succeed. Positive friendships will bolster motivation. Negative friendships filled with emotional let downs and continued arguments work against your child's ability to succeed.
Three Common Characteristics of Middle School Peer Relationships
- Best friends, mortal enemies. Friendships and social groups change from day to day in middle school, often without warning or explanation. Yet the effects of peer relationships on the developing psyche of middle school students can wreak havoc on their emotional stability and subsequently affect their ability to learn and achieve in school.
- Five minute phone call fiascos. A five-minute phone call between friends can quickly mushroom into an evening of drama. Homework takes a backseat to any social problems.
- Fitting-in, is first. Finding a peer group takes time. Moving between groups of friends isn’t unusual in the first months of school. In an effort to fit in with the group adolescents often change their physical appearance.
Smart Sleuthing: Learn More about Your Child
Many middle schoolers develop and fine tune their ability to use selective silence when parents ask questions. Attempts at car-ride conversation are often met by one word responses or silence. As frustration grows, parents often settle for conversations that more closely resemble a game of twenty questions than a quality discussion.
Four Tips for Learning More
- Wait and listen. In time your silence will be rewarded. Kids like to talk if given the opportunity. What they don’t appreciate are rapid fire question sessions and the continued probing of nosy parents. During the car ride home from school let silence fill the air while giving your child the opportunity to share something important from their day. The silence can become unbearable for both of you. Hold out and wait for the moment your child starts the conversation.
- Ask “How” questions. Questions that begin with “How” give ownership of the conversation back to your child. Asking, "How did you do that?" or “How did you find out about that?” sets the stage for your child to take control of the conversation.
- Observe from a distance. Observing is different than hovering. Helicopters hover. Parents observe. Observing casually from a distance will provide you with all the information you need about your child’s social circle. By contrast, when a parent follows their middle school adolescent onto and around the school campus she may acquire the label of “helicopter parent. Try This:Linger (in the car) for a minute or two after dropping your child. In the time before school begins students typically gather in groups around the school campus. Does he gravitate towards a particular group of students? Kids with healthy peer groups will often rush out of the car to join friends. By contrast, a sudden reluctance to depart from the comfort of home might be a signal of the start of peer problems. Arriving a few minutes early for the afternoon pick up provides another opportunity to observe (from a distance) your child’s social interactions.
- Make your home a “no cell” zone. With the cell phone off limits, all social calls are made on the house phone. Listening in on your child’s phone calls is not a practice that most kids welcome. However, parents should make an effort to listen long enough to find out who is calling and the general tone of the call. Rushed calls or raised voices may be indicators of trouble spots in your child’s peer relationships.
If you are genuinely concerned about a specific call or series of animated conversations, talk with your child about your concerns. The statement, “Let me know if there is anything you want to talk about” may be enough to prompt a conversation after a troubling phone call.
